Copy to Make You GAG

I just got a note from the venerable Mike Chen who you will know , if you’ve spent any time in Internet marketing circles lately, is going back to school.

And, as you’ve probably heard a bajillion times by now, he’s releasing a “Secret Weapon” before he goes.

Back to the note — Mike Chen is having a conference call about the “Secret Weapon”, and if you sign up for it you must sell your soul to the devil solemnly swear to buy the $500 mystery product, sight unseen.

Here’s a link to the sales letter (nope, not an affiliate link).

From: Mike Chen
Philadelphia, PA
Tuesday 7:09AM

My Secret Weapon will go on sale this Friday 18 March at 9am 
Eastern Standard Time.  I've kept the exact details of the 
Secret Weapon secret, but chances are, like everyone else, 
you've heard enough already to know that you're planning to 
purchase it.

“Like everyone else”? What, is he kidding? Everyone else is dumb enough to decide to blow $500 on a product when they don’t even know what it does? And like some 12 year old kid pestering his mom, I’m supposed to lemming right along because, “everyone else is doing it?”

Everyone else, apparently, has been bodysnatched by impulsive aliens.

You already know that the Secret Weapon itself will
only be on sale for two weeks and then it will be gone 
forever.

Except, of course, for all those people who bought it without knowing what it was, or even if they had a use for it, who will undoubtedly put it up for sale for half the price on Ebay.

Included with the Secret Weapon are some 
great manuals and everything you need to know to 
use it.

Gosh, that’s good to know. I wonder if he’s normally in the habit of selling programs without the “manuals and everything you need to know to use it.”

There will also be some other powerful
surprise bonuses I can't tell you about yet ...

Hey, it’s ok Mike. So far you haven’t told us anything at all. A few extra unknown bonuses just add… umm… nothing to nothing?

What you don't know is that I'll be hosting,
one time and one time only, a Secret Weapon
Black Belt training call for a select number of 
purchasers.

Yep, you’re right. I didn’t know that. I didn’t really care either. I mean, who wants training in something when they don’t know what that something is?

Oh yeah, I forgot. “Everyone Else”.

I’m going to legally change my name to Everyone Else and sue Mike Chen for slander. Everyone Else isn’t that stupid.

But seriously. Signing up to be trained for something when you don’t even know what it is, well, that’s like signing up for a college course simply because your course catalog randomly opened to that page.

“Hey, the Metaphysics of ’80s Bubble Gum Pop Music. I’ll DEFINITELY be able to apply that to my future career!”

Ok. Maybe that is how I picked my university courses when I was Mike Chen’s age, but that sort of insanity vanished as soon as my blood alcohol level returned to normal.

Then follows a list of ambiguous promises that tell me I will be “blown away”, “amazed”, and “shocked”. Oh yeah, and astonished. Almost forgot that one.

The problem is, there is only a limited number 
of seats available for this call.  Conference call lines 
are designed to only support a select number of 
listeners and we can not book a single person over 
that limit.

Notice they didn’t give a number? That’s because there are probably more “seats” than there are “everyone elses”.

IMPORTANT:  Please do not reserve your seat
unless you are planning to purchase the  Secret
Weapon when it goes on sale this Friday.  This free 
live training is only for select purchasers of the 
Secret Weapon.  If you reserve a seat and do not
purchase the Secret Weapon, you will be taking 
a seat away from a legitimate owner who could
have used this reservation properly and you
won't be allowed on the call (it will be worthless
to you if you're not an owner anyway).

A note to guilt you into the “promise” to blow $500 on a mystery product now that you’re so darn curious about what the heck “everybody else” has already decided to buy that you want to give Mike Chen your email address. Of course, he really doesn’t care all that much if you don’t buy when the product launches. He’s got your email address. If not this time…

Then follows the sign up form so you may subject yourself to reams of mindless hype just like what you’ve just read.

Yes, you have my word.  Please reserve my
guaranteed spot on the live call!  I understand that 
this call is a free bonus for select purchasers of 
Mike Chen's Secret Weapon and that placing 
this reservation includes my solemn commitment
to purchase the Secret Weapon on Friday (at the 
special low price of $497).

Yep, just sign on the dotted line and…

Blech

PS. Here’s a quick idea. If the “seats” to this call are so limited, and there are so many “everyone elses” lining up to buy the software, the smart thing to do would be to sign up for the conference call with as many email addresses as you can muster, then sell the oh-so-exclusive seats on Ebay to those worthy “elses” who missed out.

And for that idea, you don’t even owe me a commission.

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