Head-Hopping

One thing I’ve been noticing while editing my current work in progress is how easy it is to slip into omniscient narration without meaning to.

In my first book, I wrote entirely from my protagonist’s point of view. It seemed straightforward enough: we see what she sees, hear what she hears, and think what she thinks. It wasn't so hard to keep up with Ellanore's point of view.

But in book two, I've added a romantic arc for a supporting character, and now have a few chapters where her brain is in the lead. I'm finding that as I'm drafting quickly (and trying to keep up with a plot that’s racing ahead in my mind), it’s surprisingly easy to let the narrator know a little more than she actually could, especially when I've switched points of view.

The classic example looks something like this:

Parisa felt nervous about the question.

The problem is simple: if the scene is written from Brenda’s point of view, Brenda can’t actually know what Parisa feels. She can guess, she can observe, she can interpret, but she can’t report it as fact.

A better version keeps us firmly inside Brenda’s perspective:

Parisa shifted in her chair and avoided Brenda’s eyes. Brenda suspected the question had rattled her.

The difference is small, but important. The narration is showing Brenda’s interpretation of what she observes, rather than stating Parisa's emotions directly.

This is also more important in the sequel because the reader just can't assume the scene is from the protagonist's viewpoint anymore. I have to make it super clear.

While editing, I’ve started asking myself one simple question whenever a line describes another character’s feelings:

How does the viewpoint character know this?

If the answer is they couldn’t, the line needs to be rewritten.

For example:

Too omniscient:

Parisa tried to hide her anger.

Limited POV:

Parisa’s smile looked tight. Brenda wondered if she was angry.

I am catching a lot of this as I write. I know I will catch even more when I begin the editing process. This isn't discouraging. It's normal.

I know everything about every character. I also know that some of that is going to leak onto the page. Being aware of that makes it easier to spot and fix.

And it's important that it does get fixed.

For mystery writers, especially, limited POV can make the story stronger. When the reader only knows what the protagonist knows, and suspects what the protagonist suspects, the tension builds naturally.

And that’s exactly where you want them: inside the sleuth’s head, trying to solve the puzzle along with her.